AN “IT’S NEVER TOO EARLY FOR CHRISTMAS” INITIATIVE BY THE MISANTHROPICA TRUTH IN SONGWRITING LYRICS COLLECTIVE
The Twelve Days of Christmas Arguments
OK kids, if you’re reading this, stop right there.
I can imagine that if you’re on Medium, you’re likely old enough to know that Father Christmas doesn’t exist. If that doesn’t apply to you, I’m sorry to inform you that in actual fact, he doesn’t exist. Sorry, once again.
Also, letting you know that Christmas isn’t about giving gifts is probably a bridge too far, so as I said, time to stop reading.
If, however, you’re a grown adult, you’ve come to understand that what Christmas is really about is fights, arguments, spats, tantrums, screaming matches, usually about all the favourites. Sex, religion, politics, drugs, alcohol, how crap the hummus from the supermarket is, what Auntie Mavis did at Christmas in 1953, that sort of stuff.
You also know that most of these altercations involve your foolish uncle. Including, but not limited to, Uncle Doug, Uncle Barry, Uncle Phil and of course, let’s not forget Uncle Pete who crashed in the caravan in the backyard after drinking way too much at last Christmas and who hasn’t bothered to go home since.
Aa a result, the time has come to provide some more appropriate lyrics to that most Christmassy of songs, The Twelve Days of Christmas.
You know the tune.
During the first Christmas argument my foolish uncle gave to me…
A Parting from Reality.
During the second Christmas argument my foolish uncle gave to me…
Two steel fists in Velvet Gloves and A Parting from Reality.
During the third Christmas argument my foolish uncle gave to me…
Three attacks, ad hominem, Two steel fists in Velvet Gloves and A Parting from Reality.
During the fourth Christmas argument my foolish uncle gave to me…
Four disingenuous generalisations, Three attacks, ad hominem, Two steel fists in Velvet…